Stop! Police.

10 stupid questions that police ask when they stop you in your car and 10 suitably stupid replies*

1) ‘Can you step out of the vehicle please?’
“No, I’m afraid I can’t. I can lurch out of the vehicle, roll out of the vehicle or even ease my way out of the vehicle, but until I own a gladiators chariot or a Popemobile I will never be able to ‘step’ out of a vehicle because that requires being in a standing position.”

2) ‘Is this your car Sir/Madam?’
Look around the car whilst developing an ever increasing look of surprise and suspicion then reply… “Oh my God! No, it isn’t officer. Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. Now where the hell is my car?”

3) ‘Have you been drinking?’
a) “Yes I have officer. Can you drive me home because I’m pissed?”
b) “Yes, I have been drinking since the day I was born. Human beings are made up of 90% water and apparently if we stop drinking we will dehydrate and die within a couple of days.”

4) ‘Do you know what the speed limit is?’
“I’d imagine it is just enough to keep you awake and hyper but not so much that you become addicted.  I prefer a combination of cocaine and cannabis myself, speed makes you way too thin and cranky.”

5) ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’
a) “Err, is it because I was moving?”
b) “We’re you bored and fancied a chat?
d) “I’ve left the arm of that dead body hanging out of the boot haven’t I?”

6) ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’
“Yes I do, but I was trying to go faster and picking up a lot of speed until you stopped me.”

7) ‘Can I see your driving license please?’
“Certainly, but you will have to go to the DVLA in Swansea because they took it off me weeks ago because driving the wrong way up a one way road at 63 miles per hour in a 30 zone whilst drunk and disqualified is quite dangerous and also illegal apparently.”

8) ‘Have you got anything in the boot?’
“Yes officer, I have some upholstery, a spare wheel and a jack. You might also find some jump leads, a tow rope and a dead body. That’s probably why I was going so fast, if you don’t get them in the ground early they start to smell.”

9) ‘Can you give me your name and address please?’
“No, they belong to me and if I give them to you people might mistake me for a twat instead.”

10) ‘Are you trying to be funny?’
“Well if you can’t tell by now then you are never going to make Detective.”

Bonus question: ‘Don’t move or I’ll shoot.’
Sorry, there’s no appropriate response to this question because moments later you’re probably dying from a gunshot wound.

Now here are some videos from YouTube where Police Officers are made to look stupid. These are both educational and amusing.

*Use of these replies is entirely at your own risk. I accept no responsibility for you getting dragged out your car and beaten into a coma with a baton by a humourless, bitter and angry buffoon in uniform. However, if this does happen and you claim and subsequently win a substantial amount in damages, then I want a 10% instigation fee.

6 thoughts on “Stop! Police.

  1. Hi Beasley – not sure how I found my way to your blog, but just wanted to let you know I’m loving the writing and your sense of humour. Keep up the great work!

      • I couldn’t agree more. By the way, is Beasley Green your name or the name of that suicidal finger character in your profile pic? Because it sounds strangely apt for him.

      • It’s my name, that picture was taken after I accidentally poked him through the toilet paper when I was on the loo, he’s not been the same since. Now everytime I wash my hands he swears I’m trying to drown him.

  2. Pingback: Stop! Police. | Forty Two: Life and Other Important Things | Scoop.it

  3. Pingback: Stop! Police. « Serendipity

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