A Letter to Arsene Wenger

Looking to the past – Arsene Wenger is yesterdays man.

Dear Mr. Wenger

Being a City fan I would like to thank you. For many years whilst watching our boys in blue plummet towards the depths of the old Second Division, the only footballing beauty I derived from the domestic league was watching teams like Manchester United, Chelsea, Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle and of course your Arsenal. As a Mancunian I could never openly support a team from London, and I shamefully admit to claiming a geographical pride in the achievements of the Salford Reds. But during those epic Arsenal vs United games in the early Noughties I was rooting for you and your French wonderkid’s Arsene, I really was. You built a squad around one of the best defences in the Premiership in Winterburn, Dixon, Adams and Keown, adding half of the World and European cup winning French team to that steely foundation to create a squad of sheer class that mastered the art of The Beautiful Game to perfection. But now the memory of Henry, Viera, Pires, Bergkamp and the Invincibles of the 2003/4 season seem a long way off don’t they?

Many of my Gooner friends are now starting to ‘feel the blues’ – an expression that resonates painfully with me as a Blue when you consider what City fans endured during the 80’s and 90’s. Nobody should suffer that kind of footballing indignity – and to be fair Arsenal are a long way off from that degree of abject failure. But Arsene – the honeymoon’s over, the 7 year itch has turned into a rash and now it’s time to pull out before your reputation is tainted for ever.

You came to England as an unknown. A quirk in the game. Despite the Gallic style and flare we were all familiar with, you opted for an image styled on the look of a paedophile schoolteacher. However your image marginally improved in later years as you conceded to the vanity of contact lenses, adopting a Mr. Burns appearance – that of a stubborn, miserly man with sallow skin who is forever making excuses for his shortcomings. They say never judge a book by its cover, but perhaps your insistence on wearing those creepy glasses for so long was an indicator of the stubbornness that was to come in the future.

Arsene, you have done well. You’ve established yourself as one of England’s best foreign football managers, making some inspired signings (buying Anelka for £500k, selling him for £22.5million and getting Henry for £11million has to be the deal of the century) and becoming an Arsenal legend along the way. But now I think your ego has taken over. I think you are obsessed with building a team from scratch the way Fergie has, rather than improving on what was already a solid cast like you did when you arrived at Arsenal in 96. But what you have to understand about old Bacon Face is this, whilst the French are genetically predisposed to capitulation, the British are imbued with the ‘Dunkirk Spirit’, the culture of thuggery and that most Anglo Saxon of traditions – aggression. You are no match for Sir Alex. Not only is Sir Alex British, he’s also Scottish, which is like being English with studs. The Scottish are so tough and unruly the Roman Emperor Hadrian built a wall across the whole of Scotland to keep them out. You have as much chance of surpassing Fergie’s legacy as you have at beating him in a fight, so you may as well give up now and go and manage your national team – if nothing else to maintain your own dignity. You had a great run but you are now bordering on becoming The Forgotten Man. And with our own Bobby Manc now rising to ascendancy – a man who derives from Roman stock – you are only facing many more years of nearlydom.

There’s one last think I’d like to say before I sign off; first of all I’d like to thank you for Seaman, Viera, Toure, Nasri, Clichy – even Adebayor if only for that awesome goal celebration during the 4-2 drubbing we gave you at Eastlands in 2009. It must be painful to see all this talent move up the M1 to Manchester, but that’s modern football Arsene. Money and trophies is what it’s all about for these young scamps, with their millionaire lifestyles of Range Rovers, Rolex’s and roasting. Loyalty counts for nothing unless you’re winning and/or paying – and you’re not doing either. So please, before you decide to swan off into the French sunset to manage the squabbling in the French dressing room at Brazil 2014 – will you let us have Robin Van Persie?

Kind Regards

Beasley Green


16 thoughts on “ A Letter to Arsene Wenger

  1. The heart of your writing whilst appearing agreeable at first, did not work very well with me after some time. Someplace throughout the sentences you managed to make me a believer but only for a while. I nevertheless have a problem with your jumps in assumptions and you might do well to fill in all those breaks. In the event you actually can accomplish that, I will certainly be impressed.

    • Dear Joanne, I’m very sorry that I couldn’t maintain the believer status in you throughout the whole of my posting, although it is some much needed comfort for me that I achieved that for a while at least. I will give a great deal of consideration to your suggestion that I fill in the gaps where those jumps in assumption of mine occurred as I understand that to assume makes an ‘ass’ of ‘u’ and of course ‘me’ also – and that is how I feel right now, a fool. I feel a fool for assuming that everyone shared my sense of humour, let alone those suffering Arsenal supporter I have offended. I also feel a fool that I could not accomplish what you required to maintain belief in me and my writing and therefore be impressed. I am from this day forth going to strive to ensure that you will indeed be impressed by my writings in the future. But before I sign off, may I dare to ask of you a question or two (apologies for the accidental rhyme there, I had no intention of being frivolous or poetic); first of all – are you an Arsenal supporter? Secondly, do you have a sense of humour? If you could deign to answer these questions for me I would be most honoured.

      Sincerly yours
      Beasley Green

  2. thanx for the oratory. Just sad that I actually read the whole article…..just giving you the opportunity to, along the line salvage some of your stupidity but you kept on tying tightening the noose!!! Remember Malaga??

    Lolzzzzzzz….That’s all I can say. #balderdash!!!

    • Dear Festacox
      I had a friend in Uni who also had narcolepsy. She would also laugh out loud then suddenly fall asleep, which worked for her because she had one of those odd horsey laughs that ended in a snort, so falling asleep after laughter saved her the embarrassment of being laughed at herself. However I’m pleased that you managed to get the end of my post before you decided to “lolzzzzzzz”. At least now I know that you appreciate the funny side. And yes it is a bit stupid because I never sent the letter to Monsieur Wenger and now it seems that our Red neighbours will sign RVP and I feel personally responsible for that missed opportunity. You have lost me on Malaga though. It was 98 when I was last there and I do vaguely remember a homeless man in an Arsenal top doing football tricks for tourist change – he was very good, but needed a wash; was that you?

  3. Aww…..take a get-well greeting card to your
    ‘friend’ for me….you may ne
    ed his sympathy when it’s your turn. Again, it’s
    @festacbox, mr festacox!! On the malaga part “dumbo”, I’m talking about
    your sugar-daddy baby-sitter-
    needing club who suddenly think about the short-
    term gains and in that vein
    come to think every one else is shit!! Again, ask
    Malaga!! You guys should enjoy it while it lasts. MANSHITTY!!

    • Sorry – should I just call you Uncle Festa? It’s just with that disturbing idea you came up with of a sugar-daddy whose also the baby-sitter, I’m getting this creepy visual image of writing to one of the Addams family – but not to be confused with Tony Adams’ family, who I’m sure aren’t that creepy at all – but more like Uncle Fester in a dirty old Arsenal top instead of a black shawl, sat around in soiled Y-fronts eating Pot Noodle and replays of games from the Invincibles season… are you sure you weren’t that pan handling ball juggler in Malaga?

      But I am indeed being a Dumbo aren’t I Festacox, because I think this is football banter, right? I should be writing really witty, clever, things like – ‘I’d 8-2 be an Arsenal fan’ – or are we just going down the SWEARING INSULTS IN CAPITAL LETTERS route?

    • Shameless! That’s a bit harsh; I spelt Vieira wrong and made a grammatical error with ‘whose’ and ‘who’s’! Give me a break, I mean your using text speak! But hey that’s alright, it’s cute 😉

  4. awww……”whose”? or you “who’s”?
    newaiz, the only positive from your piece is you managed to, to a certain extent, articulate your club’s spoilt-child’s, nouveau de riche ecstatic xxxxxx and in the process making only one grammatical error…….no problemo, I’m gracious to understand that it’s that temporal satisfaction of attaining the hitherto un-attainable……
    Whatever you think of Wenger is laughable because Manshitty still has a loooonnnggggg way to go to even set eyes on his heels…(if they ever will)!!!

  5. I also spelt Vieira wrong too apparently! Wait a minute – are you my old English teacher? She used to always pull me up on my use of ‘whose’ and ‘who’s’. Well Miss I’ve got on here for you; the statements “It’s been 44 years since Manchester City have won the title” and “attaining the hitherto unattainable” not work?

    • you know I got you mo’ attention than you really deserved. I actually posted this link on twitter to arsenal fans. I did that in the hope that I expect that you’re still not too far gone into the man$lutty thing and maybe after you backslide from your “club’s” (lack of) policy, we could still get some form of salvage value for you and use this site for positivity…….but naaaaahhhhhh….you’re far gone!! No hope!!!
      So I’ma gonna always come here to watch my theoretical guinea pig and see what it’s like for a a drug-addict who’s continuing to dig himself deeper into the abyss of despair……..
      Oh, I can see it. Let’s hope some form of political uprising doesn’t happen in your sugar-daddy’s country…….then you’re done for!!!

  6. Dear Uncle Festa
    That’s quite an imagination you have there – oil rich sugar-daddys, political uprisings, nouveau riche ecstatic, “a drug-addict who’s continuing to dig himself deeper into the abyss of despair” – you’ve turned a tongue-in-cheek bit of witty football observation and banter and made it sound like a chapter from a Robert Ludlum novel; “Remember Malaga” – that sounds like a line from the Bourne Identity! I think you should start a blog. I also think you should develop a sense of perspective though, and a sense of humour. I think those would be great attributes for all concerned with Arsenal FC. It’s character building – and it makes football much more enjoyable. That’s what makes us City fans so loveable 🙂

    Yours sincerely
    Your Very Own Theoretical Guinea Pig

    • dear mr green-beastly,
      in your original post, i never saw any banter. all i saw was attack and attack. now you want replies to be “witty and what?”……arsenal fans have over-time shown our witty side(ask arseblog, arsenalblog, arsewap etc etc)…on issues affecting our own team……
      now since you love to “make an ‘ass’ of ‘u and ‘me’!!! Minus the me!'”
      now why dont you try some of those stuff on your club……then i’ll laugh with you……..
      your manager has soooo many quirks that i cant begin to describe…..start with that…..hmmmm……thanx!!

      • There you have it, with all those quirks of Mancini’s you have the beginnings of your own blog, surely! You can stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead express that Arsenal witty side in a way that have been unable to do here. Manchester City have had many years of mastering the art of self deprecation, now we’re Champions of England it’s only fair that we pass the baton.

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