It has been pointed out that my postings are somewhat of a general moan – and this is probably a fair observation. I often reflect on myself and think, ‘Beasley, you’re a moaning, miserable twat’, because I can be a misanthropic cynic. However, I once read somewhere that a cynic is really a romantic who is bitterly disappointed by the weaknesses and failings of our blessed species; a species that has the potential to be so much more, yet perpetually reverts to its baser instincts of cruelty, greed, selfishness, complacency and the petty vanities of ego (I’m pretty certain I embellished that a little, but that was the general gist as I recall it). That said, believe it or not, when in good company and good spirits, I am the life and soul of the party and positively effuse happiness and good will to all around me, which probably makes my sporadic periods of gloomy cynicism tolerable. That and the fact that rather than be a relentlessly grim harbinger of the ills of the world, I like to sugar my moans with a bit of wit and some intelligent observation I hope. More Edmund Blackadder or Jack Dee than Brotha Lynch Hung or Mike Leigh.
Many of my gripes tend to address the seemingly irreversible travails of society that have diseased mankind for centuries, so today I’ve decided to sweat the small stuff. These are my idiosyncratic, personal gripes. The Devil’s details. Those minor things that ‘grind my gears’. So come join me and share my irritation at those little things in life that really piss me off (in no particular order).
When I can’t find the remote even though I have not left the sofa.
When I can’t find my car keys when I really need to leave the house NOW.
When I can’t find my glasses when I really need to see.
When technology works one minute, then for no apparent reason doesn’t work the next.
When I want to write ‘of’ on my phone’s touchpad and it selects ‘if’.
When I want to write ‘is’ on my phone’s touchpad and it selects ‘us’.
Most of all when I want to write ‘this’ on my phone’s touchpad and it chooses ‘thus’ instead – who programmed this thing, someone from the Shakespearean era?
When I put my cup on a coaster which then gets wet, sticks to the bottom of the cup, falls off the bottom of the cup and the sudden unexpectedness of it makes me flinch, thus (I meant to type ‘thus’ then) causing me to spill my drink, not just on the table, but usually on the floor or in my lap too.
When I am carrying a plate of food with the knife and fork safely (so I believe) weighted under the food, then one of them falls off the plate anyway, catapulting a big dollop of food with it too.
When people say ‘erm’, every few seconds when they are talking.
When people pre-tag every sentence with… ‘Well…’ we know you don’t really know what you’re talking about or you’re about to tell a lie.
When people pre-tag every utterance with… ‘Basically’, before rambling on and not being basic at all.
When people have a rising inflection at the end of every sentence… this might actually include every person under 25 from America and the South East of England.
When people have music playing… no – screeching directly out of that shitty little tinny speaker on their mobile phone – get some earphones you fucking cock, nobody wants to hear your shit music, let alone without any bassline.
When people who aren’t homeless smell – there really is no need. You can get a stick of roll-on for £1 from a pound shop you dirty twat.
When someone on TV is asked a question and they simply paraphrase the question that they have just been asked without actually answering it.
When footballers or pundits talk us through a goal – do we need it? The player kicked the ball and it went into the back of the net – what else is there!?
When a football pundit says; “If it had just been half a yard to the left/right/lower it would have gone in” – really? No shit. That’s a bit like saying “If there was no keeper and no other players and he could have used his hands to pick it up and place it over the line – it would have gone in” – SHUT UP!
Any interview with a footballer: “Obviously, errr… [followed by nothing of any real consequence]” They’re contractually obliged not to slag off the ref, their fellow players or their manager – so is any of what they say actually worth hearing?
When you stand on a crooked paving stone after it’s been raining and it splashes water all over your shoe and down your sock.
When you leave the house and suddenly realise you’re going to need a poo very soon.
When drivers use up two free parking spots with one car.
When drivers wait in the far side lane at traffic lights, then indicate to turn once the lights have changed – if I’d have known I was going to have to wait for you to turn I would have got in the other lane you twat!
When drivers don’t indicate – it’s a simple fucking finger movement that can make such a difference.
When drivers don’t acknowledge when you have let them pass or cut into your lane – UTTER BITCH! (yes, it does tend to be a trait of female drivers)
When I go to the bank or the post office and the clerk starts trying to sell me some shit that I didn’t ask for and probably don’t need.
When I ask for a burger in a McD’s or a BK and the clerk asks me if I want fries with it, or a meal – if I wanted fries or meal I would have asked, stop trying to sell me shit!
When you ask the waiter or waitress in a restaurant what’s good and they automatically suggest the most expensive dish on the menu. Really? Doesn’t anybody actually prefer something other than the largest most expensive cut of steak?
When you call the helpline for… well for anything, and the guy in the call centre in India repeats ‘Sir’ and ‘I’m sorry’ after every single utterance – just sort the problem out please and you won’t need to be sorry.
When my beloved wants to cuddle up to me but insists on delicately touching me under or around my armpit – honey you know that tickles and irritates the hell out of me, so why? I mean really, why?
‘Breaking News’ – Breaking News!? Get the fuck outta here. Every news channel churns out the same pre-vetted nonsense. Toggle between BBC and Sky News – it’s the same damn shit! The last thing I remember that was truly ‘Breaking News’ was the fall of the Berlin wall – that was in 1989! Everything else is propaganda and distraction.
My aunt and her whole family – you’re a bitch and your kids are all wierdo’s who won’t read this because your matriarchal oppression has turned them all into lazy, workshy, social misfits (that was so cathartic).
‘Trending now’ – aw go fuck yourself… ‘Trending’! What does that mean? Lots of people are talking about some shit that probably isn’t even true!?
Every time a professional salesman opens their mouth and speaks.
I’m gonna stop now and have a cup of camomile tea because just writing this is winding me up. But my list is by no means exhaustive. I’ve avoided fashion (pants hung low around your arse – WTF is that all about dickhead), celebrities (where do you start?) and musical tastes (way too subjective). But please feel free to share your personal hates with me, I want to connect with my readers… maybe I can tweet this blog as ‘BREAKING NEWS’ and see if it starts ‘Trending’… grrrrr!!!!
Now I’m going to end with a poem:
I’m sick of buying things that break,
I’m sick of excuses call centres make.
I’m sick of numbers to get through –
“Sorry, you are in a queue, your call will be answered very soon”.
I’m sick of stuff that doesn’t work,
Demands for payment with no returns.
I’m sick of turning the TV on at a commercial break,
Of adverts selling debt and the threat of lifestyle choice mistakes.
I’m sick of ads for porno-telephony
I’m sick of premium rate numbers aimed at the lonely –
“Call me, call me, call me…” – No!
“Then watch this program and gamble away your dough”.
I’m sick of facile daytime TV
Filled with artificial sincerity.
Fern Britten, Philip Schofield and Lorraine Kelly
Sold with cheap ads trying to get the gullible to part with their money.
I’m sick of officials talking crap,
Of politicians who are lying twats.
I’m sick of PR and press officers and publicity spin.
I’m sick of resignations when they should have sacked them.
I’m sick of this and I’m sick of that
And I’m getting sick of the whole bloody lot.
I want my services to be better
Without complaints and calls or having to write a letter.
I want Ronseal promises, not endless spin.
I want people to do exactly what they say on the tin.
I should feel protected even if I’m naïve,
By promises made, when I choose to believe.